24 - 3.06
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a photo of a house drawn on a shadow of a house
24 - 03.03
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24 - 03.01
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my mother at her wedding
24 - 02.25
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24 - 02.22
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24 - 02.18
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24 - 02.13
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Clarice Lispector’s former residence in Rio
24 - 02.13
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rare snowfall in new york
24 - 02.10
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24 - 02.09
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O and I missing everything about Japan
24 - 02.07
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24 - 02.06
Wrapped my eleven years spent in California and moved back to my home state, New York
23 - 12.06
23 - 12.01
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“Slug” by Nagasawa Rosetsu (1754-1799 CE)
23 - 11.22
Since seeing a John Ford film in JP’s class 8 years ago as an undergrad, I dreamed of going to see this landscape in real life, before I leave California… I am very lucky to have been in such a beautiful place at such a dark time. As my little heart can’t stand the horror lately, after being here I left feeling with some desire that I do still want a relationship with this country and land that I’ve lived most on, after all - a place like this, with its own dark history, could still exist as freedom and peace could.
I pray for Gaza to be returned, all land to be returned, an immediate ceasefire, an eternal protection over those who have been forced out from this lifetime these last seven weeks... these photos don’t show all the tears and silence along with an immense thanks.
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23 - 11.18
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our home for two nights
23 - 11.17
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Arcosanti
23 - 11.12
“sometimes the lack of talent is not enough” - JP Gorin
23 - 11.09
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23 - 11.03
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wrapped my thesis, quietly, at last
23 - 11.02
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incredible Carrie Mae Weems in class today
23 - 10.30
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attempting to fold a thousand cranes for my thesis and naturally they have become for Gaza too
23 - 10.23
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NY fall from my mother
23 - 10.22
“this is
sorrow for all
the dead and
the suffering.
all mother’s tears equal,
all children,
inocent,
beloved.”
patti smith
23 - 10.20
“Oh rascal children of Gaza. You who constantly disturbed me with your screams under my window. You who filled every morning with rush and chaos. You who broke my vase and stole the lonely flower on my balcony. Come back, and scream as you want and break all the vases. Steal all the flowers. Come back... Just come back..” Khaled Juma, a Palestinian poet from Gaza.
23. -10.19
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23 - 10.16
truly disheartened and unclear how people can keep living without giving any acknowledgement to the Palestinian condition that as Americans, in this case, we are ALL complicit in making it happen and making it worse.
23 - 10.15
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white hair paint test for a character to take a break
23 - 10.15
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Thousands out for Gaza yesterday in LA
23 - 10.14
“this is
mourning
everything.
leaves are
meant to fall,
not children.”
patti smith
23 - 10.11
peace peace peace peace peace peace peace peace please
23 - 10.09
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23 - 10.08
The River. Jean Renoir
“The river runs, the round world spins
Dawn and lamplight, midnight, noon.
Sun follows day, night stars and moon.
The day ends, the end begins."
23 - 10.06
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23 - 10.05
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23 - 10.02
My Darling Clementine (1946) - John Ford
23 - 10.01
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1st of the month
23 - 09.29
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an unexpected new clarice translation out next week <3
23 - 09.28
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23 - 09.27
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23 - 09.26
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kewpie - 8m eggs - chili oil - soy sauce - chino farms bread
23 - 09.25
O Sangue (1989) - Pedro Costa
23 - 09.24
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a wrap on part 1
23 - 09.22
amazing screening tonight of Godard’s King Lear introduced by Peter Sellars, who plays William Shakespeare the V in the film....
23 - 09.21
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class on Disney campus
23 - 09.21
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23 - 09.17
Machorka-Muff (1962) - Straub Huilet
23 - 09.17
“The horror and despair at so much bloody flesh, nauseating in part, and in part very beautiful, was fairly equivalent to our usual impression upon seeing one another. Simone was tall and lovely. She was usually natural; there was nothing heartbreaking in her eyes or her voice. But on a sensual level, she so bluntly craved any upheaval that the faintest call from the senses gave her a look directly suggestive of all things linked to deep sexuality, such as blood, suffocation, sudden terror, crime; things indefinitely destroying human bliss and honesty.” Bataille
23 - 09.13
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photograph by Angi, who reached out over the internet earlier this year to be part of her portrait project. pleased with the randomness and how a stranger could capture something very close to me.
23 - 09.12
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pretty pastel by o
23 - 09.11
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23 - 09.11
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23 - 09.07
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23 - 09.06
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23 - 09.05
Late August Early September (1998) - Oliver Assayas
23 - 09.04
Teiji Ito’s score for Maya Deren
23 - 09.02
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birthday gift from marcus
23 - 09.02
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23 - 08.31
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fossilized coral-pebble
23 - 08.29
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23 - 08.29
happy birthday Ingrid Bergman <3
meaninglessly love to share a similar birthday with people i admire so much
23 - 08.28
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farewells in San Francisco
23 - 08.28
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feeding eager chickens at Gianna’s farm in Oakland
23 - 08.26
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birt
23 - 08.22
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LA after an unusual hurricane
23 - 08.21
Hail Mary (1985) - JLG
“Seeing you is hardly a blessing now. Even for Mary, it's no good. And I've had it. I can't work, I can't sleep.
I see: if we separate you'll sleep again?
You see how brutal you are?
You're brutal too, in your way.
You won't face up to things.
Listen, Paul, you've cheated on the contract from the start.
You can't brush that off.
I think it takes constant inventiveness to succeed. In your line of work, you've lots of time for that. It doesn't interest you, that's all. So we play it safe and stay together. What's that do for the child?
Loving's not investing.
You can save, too, not just give, or expect everything from one person.
The way you've set things up, you could talk that way.
You're never here. I spend much more time at home. I put a lot in and get little back.
We've been over this so often.
What other way is there? Before, you didn't work, you took care of Mary.
But now we're closer to an even footing.
I don't agree. I'm still here serving, caring for things.
That's a mother's job, not a woman's.
I'm tired. Things have got to change for a while.
You're so impatient.
Maybe. What I know now is that I don't need to be dominated to feel understood. I no longer need to lose.
I don't see where that gets you, either.
I don't know. I want to see clearly. I wish you understood.
Understanding's scarce.”
23 - 08.21
“Rabbits have a lot of trouble thinking, because nobody believes that they think. And nobody expects them to think. So much so that the rabbit’s nature has already grown used to no tthinking. And nowadays all of them are patient and happy. Their nature is to be very satisfied: as long as they’re loved, they don’t mind being a little dumb.” Mystery of the Rabbit by Clarice
23 - 08.19
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arrays before the storm
23 - 08.18
Trouble in Paradise (1932) - Lubitsch
23 - 08.13
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little starlet of my thesis
23 - 08.12
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23 - 08.12
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kendo demonstration at the summer festival
23 - 08.11
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23 - 08.11
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23 - 08.10
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Brice Marden
23 - 08.08
Every Man For Himself (1980) - JLG
23 - 08.06
casting for my thesis
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23 - 08.04
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morning walk in LA
23 - 07.18 - 23 -07.31
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Berlin for the first time,
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thinking of my friend Sascha who passed here suddenly four years ago, i was always too sad and hesitant to come because i thought he would be here to show me the city. but i’m so glad to be here, with owen who cares about me so much. lucky to see this city hoping what Sascha saw too.
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Deutsche Bahn transit in between Berlin and Dresden, on our way to Munich
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meeting and washing Fassbinder! at last on a bright mid July day
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unexpected snow sighting at Zugspitze and Lake Eibsee, an hour and a half away from Munich and 3000m high, the tallest peak in Germany. ![]()
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lastly in Hamburg, where O is staying to film a feature.![]()
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23 - 07.15
23 - 07.13
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23 - 07.11
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"It’s a cosmology. I need that and I want that. I’ve always wanted it. It’s going to be tense. Well, I hope that we can manifest that Schönberg thing, 'Every look can become a poem, every sigh might become a novel,' because that's what happens with singing and music, just a note can become your life."
23 - 07.09
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23 - 07.08
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23 - 07.07
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Krazy Kat & Ignatz Mouse on Tanabata
23 - 07.06
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23 - 07.06
Innocence Unprotected (1968) - Dusan Makavejev
23 - 07.04
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mysterious objects at 1pm
23 - 07.02
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book on Pedro Costa’s Vitalina Varela
23 - 07.02
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23 - 07.01
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filming the annual obon at Senshin temple
23 - 07.01
Mother and Son (1997) - Alexander Sokurov
23 - 06.28
23 - 06.27
“He had an independent property of about a thousand souls, to reckon in the old style.” FD
23 - 06.26
Past Lives (2023) - Celine Song
23 - 06.25
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Allium blooms in my neighbor’s garden
23 - 06.25
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23 - 06.24
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23 - 06.23
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23 - 06.23
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Bobbi Jene Smith, Or Shraiber, Pam Tanowitz, Madeline Hollander
23 - 06.22
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filming a part of my thesis at last :”
23 - 06.20
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bye bye O :”
23 - 06.19
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echo park lake swans/hamlet monologue
23 - 06.18
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23 - 06.18
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scouting with JP
23 - 06.17
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23 - 06.17
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23 - 06.17
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23 - 06.16
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23 - 06.15
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23 - 06.13
I kill an ant
And realize my three children
have been watching
- Shuson Kato
23 - 06.10
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23 - 06.09
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23 - 06.08
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Damnation (1987) - Bela Tarr
23 - 06.07
Teorema (1968) - Pasolini
23 - 06.06
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6 months anniversary <3
23 - 06.06
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23 - 06.05
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Neptune and Roman Pool at Hearst Castle
23 - 06.04
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23 - 06.04
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23 - 06.03
“...it was after covering great distances that a man would finally understand that he needed to kneel before his woman as if before his mother.” CL
23 - 06.03
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23 - 06.02
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back together with O <3
23 - 06.01
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23 - 05.28
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living in hotels/stranded in Yakima
23 - 05.27
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filming on a farm in Yakima/stranded but eating well
23 - 05.26
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23 - 05.26
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my coworker accidentally checked the camera bag with all the batteries and equipment at LAX so we missed our flight and our connecting flight but we were able to get on the next flight to the first destination... and drove three hours to the second :”
23 - 05.25
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ever since rewatching Mouchette I’ve been drinking my coffee out of bowls
23 - 05.24
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23 - 05.24
Walker (2012) - Tsai- Ming Liang
23 - 05.22
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23 - 05.21
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23 - 05.20
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work-trip in Chicago for the weekend, screened Sincerely Miné Okubo at the Gene Siskel Film Center with the Nam Jun Paik documentary, Moon is the Oldest TV
23 - 05.20
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23 - 05.19
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continued research for Falling Piece, somehow always in step with Clarice
23 - 05.18
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Mouchette (1967) - Bresson
23 - 05.15
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23 - 05.15
“But sometimes the unbearable anxiety would come: she wanted to understand enough so that she’d at least become more aware of everything she didn’t understand. Though deep down she didn’t want to comprehend. She knew it was impossible and every time she had thought she’d understood herself it was because she’d understood wrongly. Understanding was always a mistake -- she preferred the largresse, so wide and free and without mistakes, of not-understanding. It was bad, but at least you knew you were in the full human condition.
Yet sometimes she’d guess right. There were cosmic streaks that substituted for understanding.” CL
23 - 05.14
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23 - 05.13
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gala fit
23 - 05.12
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at my acupuncturist
23 - 05.10
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23 - 05.10
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23 - 05.10
screened my performance film Falling Piece in a small theatre last night and now revisiting all that installation has to offer, it felt very startling and painful to watch it seated in that scale and I wondered if it was unfair to subject others to that, for all kinds of moving image.... but I don’t want to neglect how cruel I can be, and the potential to honestly represent that --
23 - 05.09
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23 - 05.09
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23 - 05.08
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recently I love making tiny bouquets out of the flowers I pick from the streets outside
23 - 05.07
“And it wasn’t because he was waiting for her, since often Lori, counting on Ulisses’s offensively excessive patience, just wouldn’t show up, without letting him know; though at the idea that Ulisses’s patience could run out, her hand rose to her throat trying to staunch an anguish like the one she felt when she wondered “who am I?” Who is Ulisses’? Who are people?” It was as if Ulisses had an answer for all of this and had decided no to give it — and now the anguish was returning because she was realizing once again that she did need Ulisses, which made her despair — she wanted to be able to keep seeing him, but without needing him so violently. If she were a person entirely alone, as before, she’d know how to feel and act inside a system. But now, with Ulisses entering ever more fully into her life, she, feeling protected by him, had started to fear losing protection —
— though she herself wasn’t sure what she meant by “being protected”: did she, perhaps, have a childish wish to have everything but without the anxiety of having to give something in return? Was protection a presence? If she were protected by Ulisses even more than she always was, she’d immediately aim for the maximum: to be so protected that she wouldn’t fear being free: since from her flights of freedom she’d always have somewhere to return.” CL
23 - 05.06
Une Si Jolie Petite Plage (1949) - Yves Allégret
23 - 05.06
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23 - 05.03
23 - 05.01
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swimming caps in L‘Avventura
23 - 04.29
The Killers (1956) - Tarkovsky, Gordon, Beiku
23 - 04.29
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Owen at La Colombe
23 - 04.29
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first iteration of my performance film Falling Piece installed at Calarts, part of Happenings and open studios
23 - 04.28
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23 - 04.28
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Babette Mangolte -- My History (The Intractable)
on photographing theatre and dance
23 - 04.27
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Owen during a work call on whether he would accept cashmere as trade
23 - 04.27
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23 - 04.26
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Chiharu Shiota at the Hammer
23 - 04.26
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23 - 04.25
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23 - 04.25
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23 - 04.24
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23 - 04.24
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23 - 04.23
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23 - 04.21
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long distance lover arrives
23 - 04.19
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strawberry picking at Tanaka Farms <3
23 - 04.19
23 - 04.17
Songs from the Second Floor (2000) - Roy Andersson
23 - 04.17
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23 - 04.17
Jean-Pierre Gorin 80 years old today
23 - 04.16
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honored to have made the memorial video (with Kimi Engelbrecht) for kabuki dancer Madame Fujima Kansuma, who passed away in February at 104 years old. back in 2018 I made a piece for her 100th birthday and have been in touch with her family since. rest in dance FK ♡ 1918-2023
23 - 04.12
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dandelion wish
23 - 04.10
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花見 with Owen <3
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23 - 04.09
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NY weekend
23 - 04.08
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supporting Ohtani for my father
23 - 04.06
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23 - 04.04
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23 - 04.02
late period deluge
23 - 04.01
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lovely NY today from O <3
23 - 03.30
23 - 03.29
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self field-trip to the Nat History
23 - 03.28
Andrei Rublev (1966) - Andrei Tarkovsky
23 - 03.27
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23 - 03.25
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23 - 03.23
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23 - 03.23
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sun at last
23 - 03.23
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Pina
23 - 03.21
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pouring rain in LA
23 - 03.21
Mobile Men (2008) by Apichatpong W <3 “to live is to shout at the sky”
23 - 03.20
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still from a forthcoming performance-film titled Falling Piece
23 - 03.19
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23 - 03.19
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Los Angeles river and Adrian
23 - 03.17
“unnecessarily passionate”
23 - 03.15
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23 - 03.14
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23 - 03.13
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23 - 03.12
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23 - 03.11
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23 - 03.10
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23 - 03.08
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23 - 03.07
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23 -03.07
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23 - 03.07
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Pina Bausch![]()
23 -03.06
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23 - 03.05
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23 - 03.03
23 - 03.02
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23 - 03.01
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strange weather
23 - 03.01
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23 - 02.25
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Feeling like Anna in Rendez Vous d’Anna :’
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23 -02.25
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finally getting to spend time with Susie in her city <3
23 - 02.25
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Screening my short film Sincerely Miné Okubo in Seattle
23 - 02.24
23 - 02.23
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Tomo Adachi
23 - 02.21
Tropical Malady (2004) - Apitchatpong Weerasethakul
23 - 02.21
happy birthday Nina 🌹
23 - 02.20
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23 - 02.18
23 - 02.18
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“I was what I still am, a daring shy person. I’m shy, but I throw myself into things.”
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Of Woolf, Lispector said, “I don’t want to forgive her for committing suicide. The terrible duty is to go to the end.”
“When I’m not working, I read a review, and it’s all fine. When I’m working, a review of my work interferes with my intimate life, so I stop writing in order to forget the review. Even the positive ones, since I take care to cultivate humility. So sometimes I even feel attacked by praise.”
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23 - 02.18
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Japanese cigarettes from a dear friend
23 - 02.16
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23 - 02.16
23 - 02.15
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One of JP’s best and oldest friends, Tom Luddy, of Telluride and the Pacific Film Archives, passed away on the 13th after a long and arduous battle with Parkinson’s that JP told me about all the time. In asking him how he is doing now, he wrote me:
Montaigne talking about his friend La Boetie in the opening essay of The Essays “On Friendship” simply wrote to sum up their bond, “it was because he was him and it was because I was I”
Photo from their first time meeting + Godard
23 - 02.14
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23 - 02.13
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<3
23 - 02.13
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23 - 02.13
A Passion in the Desert (1830) - Honore de Balzac
23 - 02.11
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23 - 02.11
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Calamity Jane & Delphine Seyrig: A Story (2019) - Babette Mangolte
23 - 02.09
“Is my theme the instant? the theme of my life. I try to keep up with it, I divide thousands of times into as many times as the number of instants running by, fragmented as I am and the moments so fragile -- my only vow is to life born with time and growing along with it: only in time itself is there room enough for me.” CL
23 - 02.09
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23 - 02.08
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23 - 02.07
“Let me tell you: I’m trying to seize the fourth dimension of this instant-now so fleeting that it’s already gone because it’s already become a new instant-now that’s also already gone. Every thing has an instant in which it is. I want to grab hold of the is of the thing. These instants passing through the air I breathe: in fireworks they explode silently in space. I want to possess the atoms of time. And to capture the present, forbidden by its very nature...” CL
23 - 02.05
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23 - 02.05
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23 - 02.04
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23 - 02.04
1999 MTV Awards
23 - 02.03
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iykyk
23 - 02.03
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with Owen on his last sunset of 27
23 - 02.02
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found in my notebook from August, when I was in B.A, on Ingrid’s birthday -- a quote of hers, “success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get”
23 - 02.01
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missing Argentina
23 - 01.31
No Bears (2022) - Jafar Panahi
23 - 01.31
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Fra Angelico
23 - 01.30
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23 - 01.30
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23 - 01.28
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23 - 01.28
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23 - 01.27
“prendre ses désirs pour des réalités”
23 - 01.27
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23 - 01.27
Fear of Fear (1975) - Rainer W Fassbinder
23 - 01.27
The Five Minute Films (1975) - Mike Leigh
23 - 01.26
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23 - 01.25
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back 2 school
23 - 01.24
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23 - 01.24
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23 -01.23
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Quick and fairly unsubstantial read
23 -01.22
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Jan Bervin’s The Desert
23 - 01.22
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23 - 01.22
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23 - 01.21
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Mike Kelley x Purgatory
23 - 01.21
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favorite doggo in the world <3
23 - 01.21
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Simone Forti at MOCA
23 - 01.21
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23 - 01.20
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23 - 01.19
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Benoit Delhomme
23 - 01.16
City Lights (1931) - Charlie Chaplin
23 - 01.16
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23 - 01.14
23 - 01.13
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JPG, my French grandpa (he will hate me for saying this...)
23 - 01.13
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La Jolla Cove, San Diego - stampedes at sunset
23 - 01.13
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From O ☆ at the Met
23 - 01.11
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verdant LA post rain
23 - 01.10
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Francesca Woodman - Self Portrait with Cat (1980)
23 - 01.09
Close-up (1999) - Abbas Kiarostami
23 - 01.08
Tod und Verklärung, Op.24 -
- Largo (The sick man, near death)
- Allegro molto agitato (The battle between life and death offers no respite to the man)
- Meno mosso (The dying man's life passes before him)
- Moderato (The sought-after transfiguration)
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23 - 01.06
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Can’t believe I’m back
23 - 01.05
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Tsz Lo <3
23 - 01.04
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farewell NY party with some of the sweetest people I’ve met from this fall, so endlessly grateful
23 - 01.04
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Wataru Tominaga at Japan Society
23 - 01.02
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Owen and Jamóna, the 2k ham we stole on NYE lol
23 - 01.02
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23 - 01.01
Undine (2020) - Christian Petzold
23 - 01.01
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23 - 01.01
Broker (2022) - Hirokazu Kore-eda (1/5)
23 - 01.01
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HNY!!!
22 - 12.31
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loml
22 - 12.31
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22 - 12.30
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22 - 12.30
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22 - 12.29
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22 - 12.29
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Utagawa Hiroshige
22 - 12.28
Avatar -- 10/10 would not recommend
22 - 12.27
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Bruce Davidson, “Iran”; archival pigment print (1964)
22 - 12.27
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22 - 12.26
Four Nights of a Dreamer (1971) - Robert Bresson
22 - 12.25
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fresh clams with white wine, tomatoes, shallots, butter, garlic, and a lot of heart... proof that I can cook
22 - 12.24
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Alvin Ailey with my mother <3
22 - 12.23
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22 - 12.22
22 - 12.19
“Neurosis sustained her. Dear God, neurosis counted for something: almost as good as crutches. Occasionally she wandered into the more fashionable quarters of the city and stood gazing at the shop windows displaying glittering jewels and luxurious garments in satin and silk -- just to mortify the senses. The truth is that she needed to find herself and a little mortification helped.” CL
22 - 12.18
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mother’s cooking
22 - 12.18
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Madeline Malenfant clothing for Tomorrow! by Rebekah Sherman-Myntti
22 - 12.18
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the most phenomenal final I’ve ever seen, what a game to witness xxxx my heart with Argentina today
22 - 12.17
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22. -12.17
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Siru Wen
22 - 12.16
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Savannah Lyons Anthony
22 - 12.16
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from the last day of shooting Characters Disappearing </3
22 - 12.15
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“What’s important to understand in this letter of Ingrid Bergman to Robert Rosselini is not simply its elegance and its seductive audacity, but the fact that it functions as a thumbnail sketch of the actress as strange stranger, barely functional in the language of her husband to be and that Rosselini built on it to create each and every film he did with her. You should study Bergman in Roberto’s film as your persona (and your life too perhaps) has a lot to do with that thumbnail sketch.”
22 - 12.14
Opération Béton (1954) - Jean Luc Godard
22 - 12.13
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Discovered hidden in the back of a frame of other photographs -- never seen this before, myself at 3
22 - 12.13
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“God, but life is loneliness, despite all the opiates, despite the shrill tinsel gaiety of “parties” with no purpose, despite the false grinning faces we all wear. And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter - they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long. Yes, there is joy, fulfillment and companionship - but the loneliness of the soul in its appalling self-consciousness is horrible and overpowering.”
The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
Sylvia Plath feeding a deer, Ontario, Canada, 1953.
22 - 12.13
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Ravagh boys
22 - 12.12
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The Bridgeroom, The Actress, and The Pimp (1968) - Jean-Marie Straub and Danielle Huillet
22 - 12.08
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officially wrapped Characters Disappearing
22 - 12.08
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little cam babushka
22 - 12.05
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22 - 12.04
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principal photography wrapped :” heart full and body warring
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15 hour days
22 - 12.01
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⚽
22 - 12.01
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22 - 11.30
a photo of a house drawn on a shadow of a house
my mother at her wedding
Berlin for the first time,
thinking of my friend Sascha who passed here suddenly four years ago, i was always too sad and hesitant to come because i thought he would be here to show me the city. but i’m so glad to be here, with owen who cares about me so much. lucky to see this city hoping what Sascha saw too.
Deutsche Bahn transit in between Berlin and Dresden, on our way to Munich
meeting and washing Fassbinder! at last on a bright mid July day 
unexpected snow sighting at Zugspitze and Lake Eibsee, an hour and a half away from Munich and 3000m high, the tallest peak in Germany. 
lastly in Hamburg, where O is staying to film a feature.
"It’s a cosmology. I need that and I want that. I’ve always wanted it. It’s going to be tense. Well, I hope that we can manifest that Schönberg thing, 'Every look can become a poem, every sigh might become a novel,' because that's what happens with singing and music, just a note can become your life."
Pina Bausch
Of Woolf, Lispector said, “I don’t want to forgive her for committing suicide. The terrible duty is to go to the end.”
Characters Disappearing Teaser,,
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22 - 11.29
The Unheavenly Host (The Kingdom) - Lars Von Trier (1994)
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Love in the Afternoon (1972) - Eric Rohmer
22 - 11.27
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Argentina, France, Japan, Brazil !!
22 - 11.23
“Forgive me if I add something more about myself since my identity is not very clear, and when I write I am surprised to find that I possess a destiny. Who has not asked himself at some time or other: am I a monster or is this what it means to be a person?” CL
22 - 11.23
Viridiana (1961) - Luis Buñuel
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I am a very inconsistent person. I don’t care the same, I don’t think the same, I don’t love the same.
22 - 11.20
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“Everything in the world began with a yes. One molecule said yes to another molecule and life was born. But before prehistory there was the prehistory of prehistory and there was the never and there was the yes. It was ever so.” Hour of the Star CL
22 - 11.19
Being in Love means being willing to ruin yourself for the other person.”
Susan Sontag, As Consciousness is Harnessed to Flesh: Journals and Notebooks, 1964-1980
22 - 11.19
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A Pigeon Sat on a Branch Reflecting on Existence (2014) - Roy Andersson
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“But I know -- I know -- that there is an experience of glory in which life has the purest taste of the nothing, and that in glory I feel empty. When living comes to pass, one wonders: but was that it? And the answer is: that is not only it, that is exactly it.” CL
22 - 11.16
22 - 11.15
“What I am feeling now is a joy. Through the living roach I am coming to understand that I too am whatever is alive. Being alive is a very high stage, it is something that I only reached now. It is such a high unstable equilibrium that I know I shall not be able to know about that equilibrium for long -- the grace of passion is short.
Maybe, being man, like us, is only a special sensitization we call “having humanity.” Oh, I too fear losing that sensitization. Until now I had called life my sensitivity to life. But being alive is something else.
Being alive is a coarse radiating indifference. Being alive is unattainable by the finest sensitivity. Being alive is inhuman -- the deepest meditation is so empty that a smile exhales as from a matter. Am I speaking of death? am I speaking of after death? I don’t know. I feel that “not human” is a great reality, and that it does not mean “unhuman”, to the contrary: the human is the radiating center of a neutral love in Hertzian waves.
If my life is transformed into it-self, the thing I today call sensitivity will not exist -- it will be called indifference. But I cannot yet grasp that way. It is as if thousands of years from now we are finally no longer what we feel and think: we shall have something that more closely resembles a “mood” than an idea. We shall be the living matter revealing itself directly, ignorant of word, surpassing thought which is always grotesque.” CL
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“-- Ah! but who can I ask for help, if you too -- I then thought towards a man who had been mine -- if you aren’t any use to me now either. Since like me, you wanted to transcend life and therefore surpassed it. But now I won’t be able to transcend anymore, I will have to know, and will go without you, whom I tried to ask for help. Pray for me, my mother, since not transcending is a sacrifice, and transcending used to be my human effort at salvation, there was an immediate usefulness in transcending. Transcending is a transgression. But staying inside whatever it is, that demands that I be fearless!
And I will have to stay inside whatever is.
There’s something that must be said, don’t you feel that there’s something that must be known? oh, even if I have to transcend it later, even if later the transcending is born inescapably from me like the breath of someone alive.” CL
22 - 11.05
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22 - 10.31
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22 - 10.27
What Time Is It There (2001) - Tsai Ming-Liang
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“I’m searching, I’m searching. I’m trying to understand. Trying to give what I’ve lived to somebody else and I don’t know to whom, but I don’t want to keep what I lived. I don’t know what to do with what I lived, I’m afraid of that profound disorder. I don’t trust what happened to me. Did something happen to me that I, because I didn’t know how to live it, lived as something else? That’s what I’d like to call disorganization, and I’d have the confidence to venture on, because I would know where to return afterward: to the previous organization. I’d rather call it disorganization because I don’t want to confirm myself in what I lived -- in the confirmation of me I would lose the world as I had it, and I know I don’t have the fortitude for another.” CL
22 - 10.24
22 - 10.23
I am continuously at mercy of everything I say out loud, as those words keep bringing themselves into being... and then become lost. In its becomings? How to hold on to things better - I remember most of all when people are careless with me, and I keep believing that I need them in my life. Grips.
22 - 10.23
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22 - 10.16
it's time that we began, to laugh and cry and cry and laugh about it all again...
22 - 10.15
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22 - 10.13
“A complete life may be one ending in so full identification with the non-self that there is no self to die.” Bernard Berenson - lovely on the dedication page of The Passion According to G.H., by Clarice Lispector
22 - 10.11
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22 - 10.10
Hopefully Not Ever Soon - title of film on climate change
22 - 10.09
22 - 10.08
very weighted by the horror particularly lately
22 - 10.06
22 - 10.05
“She closed her eyes, resting at a leisurely pace. When she opened them she got a small shock. And for long, profound seconds she knew that that stretch of life was a mixture of what she had already lived and what she had yet to live, all fused together and eternal. Strange, strange. The orangey 9 o’clock light, that sense of interval, a faraway piano insisting on the high notes, her heart quickly beating against the morning heat and, behind everything, ferocious, menacing, the silence throbbing thick and impalpable. Everything dissipated. The piano stopped insisting on the top notes and after a moment’s rest sweetly returned to some middle sounds, in a clear, easy melody. And soon she wouldn’t be able to tell if her impression of the morning had been real or just an idea. She stayed alert in order to recognize it... A sudden weariness confused her for a moment. Her nerves abandoned, face relaxed, she felt a light wave of tenderness for herself, of almost thankfulness, though she didn’t know why. For a minute it seemed to her that she had already lived and was at the end. And right afterwards, that everything had been blank until now, like an empty space, and that she could hear far off and muffled the din of life approaching, dense, frothy and violent, its tall waves cutting across the sky, drawing nearer, nearer... to submerge her, to submerge her, drown her asphyxiating her...
She went over to the window, stuck her arms out and waited in vain for a little breeze to come caress them. She forgot herself like that for a long time. She kept her ears half closed by contracting her face muscles, her closed eyes barely letting any light through, her head projected forward. Little by little she managed to really isolate herself. This somewhat unconscious state, where she felt like she was deeply immersed in gray, lukewarm air... She stood in front of the mirror and between clenched teeth, eyes stinging with hatred, asked, “What now?”” CL.
22 - 10.04
HBD Buster Keaton !
22 - 10.03
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22 - 09.29
“unexampled philosophy”
22 - 09.28
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“Lack of originality, everywhere, all over the world, from time immemorial, has always been considered the foremost quality and the recommendation of the active, efficient and practical man.” FD
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longing, yearning, fervor, ardor, devotion, and a tender passion
22 - 09.19
22 - 09.18
A Gentle Woman (1969) - Bresson
22 - 09.17
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22 - 09.13
“At the cinema, you raise your eyes to the screen; in front of the TV, you lower them.”
“This is a painter saying that you should paint how you do not see. We should not paint what we are seeing since we cannot see anything. We should not paint that we see nothing, because we should paint only what we see. So, there remains the option of painting that we do not see.”
RIP JLG thank you, thank you, thank you
22 - 09.12
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“excessively sincere”
22 - 09.11
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22 - 09.09
The Idiot - Fyodor Dostoyevsky
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22 - 09.04
Buenos Aires… a brief note as start, having been back for three days;
I have travelled solo often, with privilege, to Japan, France, and Mexico, throughout my early 20’s, so it was not out of character for me to go again somewhere far but I understand the concerns of going as far as Argentina by myself now, it was not something I thought about when I bought my ticket in May- it was primarily for my birthday, as I like to celebrate new years elsewhere, and I knew it was going to be winter there so I thought it would be fun for my turn to 28, as it is always intensely hot wherever I am in August, like it is now in LA.
It was a total trip in all highs and lows- I was able to meet the most wonderful Argentines, saw Rosalia perform after seeing a group of kids dressed like her on the streets by chance, went on a date with a history buff who basically told me all of Argentinian history from the 40’s onwards (which I didn’t know that their military coup ended only in 1983 and that they are still recovering from it), I remember my host Andrea who introduced me to her family, her grandchildren, one who had a birthday a day a part from mine, and a friend who’s daughter’s godmother is Lucrecia Martel’s sister in Salta. Walked everywhere like any other city, had many conversations in broken Spanish, discovered my new favorite animal Mara’s, sat and watched people all the time; lived as much as closely possible.
It was only midway that I had also ran into trouble with the police and spent a night in jail with my friend. It was my fault and something that completely blew out of proportion and it was only to the thanks of Renata and her family who totally saved me. There is nothing I can say else now as I’m still processing it and wish also to be back and move onwards. In short what happened was truly insane and unimaginable and I am dearly indebted to Renata, Ari, and their father Luis. I don’t know where I would be without them now. Some day I will share more on this, and I’m grateful to my close friends who have been there for me so far.
I remember most of all still now and always, the good air (buenos aires), the winter, the familiarity, and the Argentine men and women who were all incredibly beautiful. I was falling in love every day. Happy to have witnessed and I look forward for this year to unfold.
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“Don’t you think one can die of love? You told me you loved me. What kind of a world is this? You must despise women who take you as you are… who dismiss their lovers to seduce you, another’s kiss still on their lips.” A Nos Amours, Pialat (1983)
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Stella is happy to hear this news. “That’s so wonderful mama.” After a long pause she continues, “Miami would be so nice to see, I would join you if I didn’t have the play this weekend.” “The play?” Her mother doesn’t know. “Yes, the one I’m in.” She tries to remember if she’s told her already or not. “I would love to see that, Stella. I can hardly keep up with all that you’re doing so often.” Stella is generally free; her mother knows this. Her mother continues. “You know how much I love seeing you on stage. How different you become. But how still yourself you are.” The car speeds up a bit, Stella laughs. “I don’t understand that mama.” There is a pause, her mother doesn’t feel like clarifying. “So, did you eat enough?”
22 - 07.24
22 - 07.24
Stella remembers. Her foot still on the gas she keeps traveling forward. And then her phone rings. It’s her mother. “Mother?” She picks up. “Darling hi, I just wanted to make sure you are okay.” She hears. “Yes of course, I’m already past town.” They don’t live very far from one another. “Good.” After a pause her mother continues, “The neighbor called yesterday. She asked me to join her on a train trip.” “To where?” Stella asks. “To Miami.” her mother replies. Her mother travels often but never to Miami. She asks if trains even arrive there. Her mother reassures her they do.
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Out past the glass is a blur - the buildings, trees, street signs, and people are all generally upright and sincere. Stella is at the wheel, both hands gripping it, with her gaze straight ahead and lax. She feels the soft lace wrapped around her neck, the soft leather of her shoe’s soles. Impressions are left on her from lunch - the ovened potatoes, the summer pea sauce, the temperature of her black tea just after her mother poured in milk. What a smile there was often throughout it all. However no words were really said. It was totally silent besides the dispersed “yes dears” and “go aheads”. It could be said that the meal was just enough to be elated over. It was like this the last time too.
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JPG drawing on the trajectory of relationships,
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“You know, Karin, people are bad news. In the end they tolerate everything. People are hard and brutal, and one’s no different from the next. We just have to accept that.” :x PVK, RWF
22 - 07.04
22 - 07.03
“There was something frigid in the air sometimes, you know how you notice... For instance, you’re together with another person, in your car or in a room, and you want to say something but you are afraid. You’d like to be tender, but again you grow frightened. You’re frightened of defeat, of being the weaker one. That’s the horrible point at which you know there’s no giving in.” PVK, RWF
22 - 07.02
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learning what it is to know when to leave
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“Especially notable was the deathly pallor of his face, which gave the young man’s whole physiognomy an exhausted look, despite his rather robust build, and at the same time suggested something passionate, to the point of suffering, which was out of harmony with his insolent and coarse smile and his sharp, self-satisfied gaze.” F.D
22 - 06.16
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HBD Chantal Akerman and my best friend Doro ♡♡♡
22 - 06.05
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22 - 05.31
HBD RWF xxxx
22 - 05.31
a synopsis from John Cage’s Europeras 1 & 2:
22 - 05.30
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revisitings - John Akomfrah’s Handsworth Songs (1986) soundtrack
22 - 05.26
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“ Picture 00110010:
Basking in a vast phantasmagoria of withered dreams and dashed expectations, springs from a desire to decipher the boundaries of the desert of reality through which we move, is a chain of unreal, adulterated visions as sticky-sweet and artificial as a cascade of feverous delusions. Prisoners of their own illusions and enveloped by a bluish mist that never lifts, one is overcome by a sense of fatalism, as if contemplating the abyss. Somewhere, someone has tied up the darkness...”
-- Daniel Joseph Martinez, Three Critiques
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✧ Joan Jonas at Dia Beacon
22 - 05.15
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a short, butchered-referenced paper on John Cage’s Water Walk piece:
22 - 05.12
poured ouzo and a strong chinese spirit over John C with zhu, who also showed me a Meisner exercise that we did together there; three cigarettes and many laughs... always better than tears
22 - 05.10
“erotic weeping”
22 - 05.09
pleasant screening of my next film’s very first cut ☆ bijou bisou
22 - 05.08
22 - 05.07
wowing Toru Shimazaki piece at the Calarts spring dance show, haunting as much divine
22 - 05.02
7/10 - I am a big fan of Apichatpong, but this one seemed too forced; spectral qualities were lacking as found usually in his other films...
22 - 05.01
“ Do you look forward to the future, or do you approach it with pessimism?
That’s not an issue for me.” RWF
22 - 04.30
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Appeared in two people’s dreams last night, one where I was sleeping and the other in an abandoned farm, running around... dream hopping, a sweet premise ☁️
22 - 04.25
petra von kant monologue rehearsal take from a year ago,
22 - 04.22
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22 - 04.21
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22 - 04.17
Happy birthday JPG, the last of my Aries celebrations
22 - 04.16
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Taste of Cherry by Kiarostomi (1994) screening on a friend’s birthday... a film on how hard it is to die... and how easy it is to sleep through it
22 - 04.08
so floored that my cast & crew surprised me with a cake at my film’s wrap party... my favorite kind, just like the emoji 🎂 really really lucky to have such a team with me
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22 - 04.01
Forever heart
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22 - 03.25
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22 - 03.24
tysm marcus ☆
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22 - 03.22
research find on John Cage, for my favorite class this semester:
22 - 03.20
Lessons on editing
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22 - 03.19
On set of next film
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22 - 03.16
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22 - 03.14
Evening of Alvin Lucier, by Monday Evening Concerts -- Michael Pisaro-Liu performing with a piano & a teapot 🫖
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22 - 03.09
From a very special person -
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22 - 03.06
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22 - 02.28
Favorite films list
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22 - 02.27
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3/10
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Lone Pine, CA
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21 - 12.31
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21 - 12.24
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21 - 12.19
a covid anthem
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21 - 12.10
monologue by Rainer W Fassbinder:
You can’t talk about the meaning of life without using phony words. Imprecise ones. But there aren’ many others. If there’s anything, it’s movement. At some point a solar system got established, which doesn’t move anymore because it moves according to laws. To get it moving, something has to come along and smash things. That’s why human beings were invented. But that wasn’t part of a plan. We’re no longer allowed to say: We’re here to… The plan of the powerful takes place in our causal thinking, which is always intent on setting up value systems, creating meaning. All history, all mythologies grow out of this notion of planned chains of causality. Now, if we destroy the various cogs in this system, all the neatly ordered gravitational forces don’t work anymore, and everything collapses. And suddenly there’s movement, and that’s something. But we, we just stand around, the creators of values. That’s what we’re here for. We’re not capable of accepting the opposite of things as they are. So we’re nowhere near freedom. We won’t become free unless we accept destruction the same way we accept the ordered solar system, which makes for our paralysis. This has developed because the individual doesn’t know that it can be stopped. I’m not talking about intellectual knowledge, but also about the physical certainty in everything the individual does. The possibility of understanding this is withheld from him for a long time, and he experiences it physically only much later. If the certainty that he had to die became physically palpable for the individual very early on, he would lose the existential pain — hatred, envy, jealousy. No more fears. Our relationships are cruel games we play with each other because we don’t recognize our end as something positive. It’s positive cause it’s real. The end is life in concrete form. The body must understand death. In Bremen I had a terrible night when I was directing a play there. A dream of death. I was completely unprepared for it. After that I had neurotic ear symptoms and went running from one doctor to another. Of course there was nothing wrong with me. It was already much too late when it got to me at 26, this experience of mortality that came in my sleep. I couldn’t make use of it in my relationship anymore. That’s the subject of my new play. It’s called End Endless. Destruction isn’t the opposite of what exists. Destruction is when this concept no longer exists, when it doesn’t have any meaning anymore, when it has a reality that makes it disappear. What people invent then— that would be exciting. June 1977
21 - 12.07
Finally installed Sincerely Miné Okubo with Asuka <3
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21 - 12.04
Marathon reading of Dictée with my dear friend Ali
21 - 11.28
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“What do you consider most important in a relationship between partners?
Constantly reexamining the values on which the partnership is based on.”
Rainer Werner Fassbinder
21 - 10.26
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TA’ing
21 - 10.02
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It was a huge honor to screen my film Bacon and the Boys at this year’s LAAPFF <3
21 - 09.20
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21 - 09.08
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My 26th, golden year face, casted by my dear friend Adrian... was inspired to do after seeing a wall at Ruth Asawa’s house in 2019, of her children’s and grandchildren’s -
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When you’re low on money
21 - 08.03
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always
21 - 07.29
Happy Birthday CM
21 - 07.25
21 - 07.23
Harlem line, my most favorite train ride
21 - 07.22
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grand central > penn station
21 - 07.13
found a gorgeous movie theatre in Cape Cod
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21 - 07.10
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21 - 06.29
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21 - 06.20
a doro dinner 🇰🇷
